Generally speaking I don’t like nature to touch me.  I don’t go on long bushwalks.  I don’t like birds, insects or wildflowers.  I don’t care for ‘fresh air’.  Plants are okay I guess, but I don’t understand the crazy rules you all have about what constitutes a plant or a weed.  To me they are all plants, however many of you seem to have decided some of them are good and some are evil.  I have no idea why.

The only exception to my nature indifference is the beach.  I love the beach.  I love the feeling of crunchy white sand.  I love the smell-taste of salt and how it scratches my skin when it dries.  I even like the water, as long as it has been heated to the appropriate temperature.  However if I’m to be completely honest, my love for the beach could be tempered by a Pavlovian-type response that goes: Beach+Coconut Oil=Tan.  So perhaps I only like the beach because I’m vain.

Now back to the nature thing: I don’t like it much.  I’m happy for plants and trees and stuff to be over there, looking after themselves, but I don’t need them to get all close to me.

This weekend, nature could be avoided no longer.  Even my untrained eyes could see our joint looked a bit crap, so gardening had to be done.  So we made a plan with our neighbours, and we gardened the shit out of our plot.  We grabbed nature and we showed it who was boss.  Mostly.  Other than all the times that it showed us me who was boss.  Stabbing, scratching and hurting me in ways inhumane.  Here is the proof:

Exhibit One: hand maiming

Exhibit Two: Leg scratch

I know, I know, it’s terrible isn’t it?

No wonder certain politicians are against all nature and want to kill it with fire.  Nature is terrible and dangerous and it must be stopped.  Sharks and their bitey teeth and their cold, dead, untrustworthy eyes.  Coral reefs and their sharpey, prickly, stabby bits that scratch your feet when you walk on them.  And of course you’ve just seen what damage inert plants can inflict, left unrestrained.   Pfft, out with dangerous nature and in with air-conditioned comfort.

See for yourself how sane it looks in this picture (that I stole off the internet, but didn’t write down the source…Sorry clever cartoon maker, possibly Allie Brosh) :

Just sayin’