Bittersweet

Something bittersweet is happening this weekend.

Sweet:

We are catching up with John and Olive as well as all of Hayley’s nearest and dearest.

We are having dinner with a famous chef at a renowned restaurant.

We are having two nights without children.

We are staying at a fancy hotel, in Sydney.

We will frock up a little for the occasion, and feel special.

We will laugh, cry and then hopefully laugh some more.  Hopefully a lot more.

We will strengthen the ties of friendship that our gorgeous, glowing Hayley looped around us.  We will tell stories about her.  How she made us laugh, filled us up, listened to us, teased us, taught us.

Bitter:

We will wonder and regret why we didn’t do this when she was alive to lead the laughter.

We will cry that it’s not fair, that it was too soon, that the space she left behind is sometimes too big to negotiate ourselves around.  That some days, most days, we want to forget this ever happened.

We will realise with a shock that it has already been six months, to the day, that she died, and still it feels like yesterday and forever since we saw that big goofy grin.

We will feel all of the feels, and will be fearful that they may overcome us.

We won’t understand. Still.

Bittersweet:

We won’t want it to, but eventually the weekend will come to an end, and we will step off the plane, blinking in the sunlight, gulping in the sugary-thick air of our hometown, and be grateful that we had a chance to share our lives with Hayls.  That we got to be part of her gang, and that we were able to see our best selves reflected back through her eyes.

I really will try to remind myself to be grateful for what was, but fucking hell, I’m still completely ungrateful for what wasn’t.

Miss Ya Hayls.  As the song says…

….From The Ashers xx