Fuzzy

Today I had a massage, and something weird happened.  Not weird in a George-from-Seinfeld: “it moved” kind of way, but just weird for me.  Somehow, whilst she was unknotting my muscles, she untied something in my brain, and I now can’t seem to catch onto a thought properly.

Usually when it comes to the time of the evening when I sit to write the blog, my mind is sharp and pointy.

I have words jumping around and jostling like popcorn, all trying to pop onto the page at once.

There can be noise and television and talking and I just go into the page and tease those phrases into some kind of order.  And slash away at the lantana of the ones that don’t fit.

But not today.

Today nothing has been acute.  Everything has been hazy and fuzzy and blurred, and it’s probably lucky because I can’t quite shake the feeling of the void that opened up on the road outside my house yesterday and swallowed the life of a lady in a red car.

I went and looked at that road again today, to see if it was different to any other part of the road.

It wasn’t. Isn’t.

It’s just bitumen.

There is no way of knowing the exact spot that took her dreams and plans for Christmas and life away.

My day has been a series of images, like old vignette photos.

A day of instagram images: waving goodbye to the back of the bus carrying Nath’s Mum, the smile of the teacher as Liam gave her her present, Coco clutching her certificate on the stage, the twinkling chikkachikka of our Christmas lights, lasagne and salad arranged just so on a plate, Liam hunched over and strumming the guitar, Coco biting a Santa-red apple, sheets drying in the wind- caught mid gust, a teacup, the glossy cover of a book.

A day of frozen moments.  Disjointed and jarring, none related to the other.  A slideshow in my head that holds no meaning for anyone else but me.

Will the red car lady have a slideshow at her funeral?  What pictures will someone else choose, in order to say, “This is her, this is her life, this is who she is”?  How will they know what all those images mean?  Which colours to show?

I’m guessing they won’t.  Not really.

That hue is now lost to this world.