It IS The Menopause

Some of you might be wondering why have started this blog thing.  Some of you who know me, probably think I have enough going on, what with a couple of kids, husband, busy practice, incomplete BAS, cat with disheveled fur, etcetera.

Well, it’s because of The Menopause.

The Menopause started a few moons ago now, and as some of you well know (I’m looking at you, husband) it has made me the tiniest bit grumpy.  Not all the time, mind.  Just every day.  And night.  And some early afternoons.

Now I can predict what you are all about to say, “You can’t have The Menopause, you’re too young.”   And yes, I know my youthful complexion belies my years, but it is true.  I am newly barren, which means I can now say whatever I damn well like, and do whatever I damn well please.  Further, if you are about to tell me that I don’t technically have The Menopause, due to various silly little details, like actual diagnosis, you may potentially be correct, however those pesky specifics aren’t really of interest to me.  Mainly, because, I have The Menopause.  Which means I’m the boss.  (Plus, Peri-menopause just sounds a bit shit. I won’t have it.)

If you’ve been following along, you’ll know by now I do like a list, so, in the interests of community service, I have complied one, regarding The Menopause.  It will be of use to all you fecund little fertility goddesses, so you will know how to behave, when Aunty Flo no longer comes to visit.  It will also be a point of reference for all you men who are being paused, or will be paused, once the situation arises.  Forewarned is forearmed, and all that.

It is entitled “Things to do when you have The Menopause” and here it is:

• Have opinions on everything.  It is particularly good if they are unpopular opinions.  Blog about them.
• Wear the jeans you want, even if they are too tight, or have gone out of fashion (I’m looking at you CR Jeggings).
• Sing as loud as you like, even if the songs have rude words in them.  In fact, preferably.
• Buy neon pink Converse runners.  Wear them, even if your 6 year old is also wearing hers.
• Talk about taboo topics without getting embarrassed, again, loudly (and in public spaces).
• Forget many things, but especially inconvenient details (otherwise known as facts to the pedantic).
• Repeat your funny stories, even if your friend says “You’ve told me that one already”. Then repeat again.
• Go out to lunch and drink wine, often.  Ensure it is expensive wine.
• Play on the swings, and don’t get off when children want a turn.  They’ll get their chance.
• Break petty rules, especially if they are to do with parking, and particularly if you can get away with it.
• Be flabbergasted at the very age of health professionals.
• Use the word flabbergasted.  Also: cross, crook, tetchy and peeved.  They describe, umm, everyone else.

So there it is, breeders.  You’re welcome.

Cheers.

Fairly expensive wine.
(The others don’t have The Menopause yet)

Which one will you cross off your list today?

Is your health professional really young, like ‘The Bachelor‘, young?