NOT a bird nerd
I live in Queensland. We can’t have daylight savings up here, because: cows and curtain care, so sometime around 5am an INFERNAL RACKET starts up. No, it’s not the kids sneakily turning on iDevices to play Minecraft (that starts at 5.28am), it’s BLOODY BIRDS.
Billions (yes, that’s right, billions) of them.
Outside.
How dare they? You’d think they bloody owned the whole of outside, they way they carry on.
I hate birds. Yes, even Rainbow Lorikeets. Yes, even Doves. Yes, even tiny little Finches. Yes, even your cute little pet that is so friendly and cute and wouldn’t peck anyone and for some reason you have taught how to repeat inane phrases. All.Of.Them. Winged rats they are, spreading disease (maybe) and poo (definitely) and making noise, and waking me up every.single.morning. They are vermin and they should be stopped.
The good news is, I have a cat. Woofa, her name is, and although I don’t want her to go around killing birds (maybe), I got her to be an effective bird deterrer great pet for the kids. Trouble is, this is Woofa:
Woofa the Shitcat
and that is what she does all day. Finds things (in this case it is Kid 2’s reading folder) and lies on them, sleeping all.frigging.day. Putting long white cat fur on the dark coloured stuff, and long dark-brown cat fur on the light coloured stuff. You could be forgiven for thinking the cat has no eyes, because you never see them. But this is not a post about that shitcat, it’s a post about birds and how much I hate the infernal pests.
Did I mention I hate birds? It’s not Ornithophobia, I’m not scared of the bastards (any more), I just abhor them and their stupid little pointy mouths. And their ugly little stick legs. And their beady dead eyes. Evil, beady eyes.
So, the morning birds: they suck, but today a new horror began: afternoon birds. Some kind of huge, black, cockatoo things have come to roost and shriek like Nazgul in my front tree. They scream and squeal and decimate the bottle-brush and chuck the bits they don’t like all over the drive way. Or, like today, onto my head. It bloody well hurt. I may have been seriously concussed mildly stunned.
Birds=1, Me=0
Tomorrow I’m gonna fix them and this terrible situation. I’m getting a hacksaw out of Nath’s trailer and I’m gonna hack off every one of those bottle-brushes so they won’t have a single thing to eat.
Yeah.
Birds=1, Me=1.
But then: birds starving and die, so,
Birds=1 (and dead,) Me=2.
I win the bird wars.
What do you think of birds? Ever been pecked by one of those filthy magpies?
What’s your worst animal?
My husband keeps aviaries and breeds finches and although they are pretty I have to admit that I’m not really a fan because they do attract rodents. I don’t mind birds but I’d rather not have them as pets.
Goodness me Ness! Perhaps he could feed the ‘rodents’ and they too could be pets?? Just an idea.. I like to treat all vermin equally…
Sadly all the trees around here have been cut down (I blame Abbott) and so there’s very few birds here. But you must live in a new place to have lots of them! Hello fellow Queensland dweller 🙂
Hey Emily… We have the stupid bird tree out the front and apparently the stupid birds are rare and exciting. Whatevs…
I love birds. I love all creatures except chimpanzees and cockroaches. Maybe I hate animals that start with C. Oh no, I love cats. So much for that. xxxxx
WHAT? YOU LOVE BIRDS?!!
Now hedgehogs I can knew about, but I really did pick you as a bird hater….
I hate birds too! Drove into the pet store Sat morn to purchase some dog food and Liv ran straight up to the “birds” (horrible little things) and asked, no begged…”Mum, Mum can we please get a bird??” I immediately spun around and shot her a death stare and said “Olivia, (not Liv, cause I was mad) never ever ever ever whilst you are living under my roof will I ever allow a bird into our home, understood! Don’t ever speak of this again!”
Hahaha! “Don’t ever speak of this again!”
Solidarity sister.
Can you not let the cat out of the house? Lazy thing should be earning it’s keep! What else is it good for?
It’s good for: sleeping on my head, leaving white fur on all of my clothes, and partially eating cockroaches, and leaving the remains for me to find around the house. So yeah, awesome.
Can you not let the cat out of the house? Lazy thing should be earning it’s keep!
I remember when I was little, I was camping at Inverlock, Victoria, and there was a magpie attacking us and our Dad, who loved cricket, picked up a rock and bowled, not through it, bowled a rock at the attacking bird and hit it and killed it. I had locked myself in the outside dunny, as I was scared of the attacking bird, (I was all of 5 ) Yeh Dad, our saviour.
OH yeah, MAGPIES! They are the worst.
ALISON!!!!! The black cockatoos were just telling you to take your washing in cause it’s gonna rain.
Well they are idiots, because it didn’t. And today (when it looks like it may) they aren’t here!
PLUS, I have a cat for that… You know, washing behind the ears? Better than Livio.
Sort it out Werribee style.
Slug gun.
#YoureWelcome
Ummmm… We lived in HOPPERS thanks Suavey..
(and yes, I DO got time fo’ dat)
This the part where I confess to growing up in birdsville. True!
That’s ridiculous. #blocked
First of all #LOL and second you need a pug – she chases ALL the birds away. She actually caught a pigeon – cue screaming children but word got out and no more pigeons pooping everywhere!
Oh I love pugs anyway (my brother has two pug children), and now I love them even more.
PUG for PM.
Slingshot Al using ice blocks !!
Good idea Di, but: Queensland. Now, where is that BB gun that Phil got Nath for his 5th birthday )or whatever inappropriate age that was)?
lol, I think you need therapy!
I think Sam is right lol…..Personally I love the birds although I hate the inevitable bird sh*t on the car if you even try to park down gympie terrace. I love the 5am wake up calls too and can’t wait til it is 4.30am and light.
I’m not surprised at that Chrissy. We already thought you were a LOON. Assessment: confirmed.
yesterday Kathy and I went to 5.45am bootcamp with 20 other people. First up we dragged a tyre up and down a hill 8 times before going on to do push-ups etc. Loved it! There must be at least 21 other loons in Noosa 🙂
Doesn’t make it right Chrissy!
Haha, I’ve HAD therapy. This is the improved me!