Seafolly or SEEfolly?
I am 42 years old.
I’ve have borne two children. One of them was 9lbs 6oz in the old measure. So we shan’t chat too much here about what’s stretched and what’s not (this isn’t Mumsnet* after all). And it has gotten hot here, in my part of the world.
***Cue the Darth Vader scary music***
It’s time to go shopping for bathers.
Like I said, I’m 42 years old, and in that time I have learned two things about shopping for bikinis:
1. Only buy Seafolly. The rest are rubbish. They fade and stretch and pill, so it’s really just smoke and mirrors and false economy.
2. It does not matter ONE BIT how you are feeling about yourself or your body. On the day you go bathers shopping you will feel like shit by the end. Bright lights, tiny 19 year old shop assistants who only help you when their FB feeds are silent and trying to stuff your knickers into the bikini bottoms so you can see what you’ll look like galavanting on the beach like a Libra Fleur ad. So you might as well go on a day you feel ordinary anyway. That way at least it can’t get much worse.
Currently, I’m in need of a haircut. I haven’t waxed or plucked or defoliated in any way. My skin is pasty. So that day, was today.
I took a glug of Rescue Remedy and went into Sea Elements.
Bright lights: tick
Lady-girl at the counter: tick
Racks of scant garments in sickening shades of iridescence: tick
I don’t have a particularly big rig, and I’m between a size 8 and 10, but let’s just say gravity has not been kind. What little breast-tissue was not hoovered up by the two parasites I spawned, has definitely gone south. And a bit east and west. With not a northerly in sight. So I require ‘assistance’. Unfortunateiy, this assistance is limited, as I abhor strap marks, so I also require a strapless top. Let’s call that problem challenge #1. Secondly, I used to have legs that ran, and a bottom that knew how to boogie. Now I have legs that prefer a nice couch and a cuppa, and a derriere with more dimples than Shirley Temple, aka travesty challenge #2. I may have already mentioned that I’m 42 years old. My vintage means that fluorescents, iridescents and scintillants were for years long gone by. Florals and animal prints are still in the future. Which doesn’t leave much, I know: conundrum challenge #3.
I marched up to Lady-girl and explained the parameters of my purchase. She blinked a few times, doe-eyed, then nodded. Challenge accepted.
I absconded to the shoebox cubicle and paced in the (almost) nude waited patiently for her to bring me some options. And bring she did. A veritable motherlode of lycra. Stripes, zig-zags, spots and plains. Bottoms that went up your bottom and bottoms that looked like your Nan’s bottom. Tops that lifted up and pushed up and foofed up. The change-room floor looked like the remains of a vanquished Sunday-cyclist peloton. But none of them quite right.
The she handed me the final pair. ***Finger-of-god light and harps***
Perfect.
So I left with these new bathers.
They have straps. They are floral. They have pink fluro.
WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED IN THERE?
SEE FOLLY.
The End
Have you been bathers shopping this year?
Do you call them bathers. togs, swimmers or cozzies?
* Mumsnet discussing penis dunking. Very funny.
Love your blog! Lots of women go through the same experience, doesn’t matter what age, size or body shape. Bather buying doesn’t have to be a horrible experience if you can find the style that works best for you! Cheers from the girls at Shekki Swimwear in Perth and Broome
Hey Shekki girls, Thanks for reading.. Put your website link up if you have an online store…
Great post Alison. Looking forward to connecting and having a chat via email x
Sounds good- “chat” soon.
Ali this is definitely one of my favourites! I also experienced the joy (horror) of buying new bathers recently. Proper exercise has not been my most fun thing to do in recent years, I prefer to convince myself that being on my feet all night at work and occasionally walking into the city instead of catching the bus does the trick.
So let’s just say I’m cuddly.
I was heading up the coast for my ten year high school reunion (yep) and we were off to moffat beach before the festivities. I decided I needed new bathers and thought the best time to get them would be the morning of said adventure. Because I’m hardcore like that. I walked into the first swimmers shop in queen street mall and selected a pair. I knew I was being optimistic but I thought at least I would know where I stood in the current swim suit climate.
It did not go well.
I’m pretty sure I tried on the largest pair in the store and only half my boobs were covered, then when I looked at my behind all I could see was my undies, not the swimmers.
I needed help. I went and saw a friend of mine who was working near by and she said she was going to go with a one piece this year. Of course! One piece! I’m old enough now for it to be hip (do we still say hip?).
So I selected City Beach and went in with my head held high. While there were ten choices of one pieces, only two had my size. The first one I tried on was a success. It’s on the “in” vintage side of things, which I was very happy with.
Needless to say I went to the beach that day with my gut tucked in and my ass only slightly hanging out.
Haha.. I too thought I might try the one-piece option, but there was a boob issue (or lack of). Why oh why must we wear our underwear in public?
I love this! I’m 43, have survived the removal of an ovarian tumour the size of a mini-football (20cm x 12cm) along with my right ovary and fallopian tubes, and also the end of my 22-year marriage, so agree about life biting you in the bum (and it showing). However, a few months ago, I went straight into a swimwear store, said, “I’m looking for a black, retro, one-piece” and the lovely girl behind the counter knew exactly what would work. It was on sale (bonus!) and I feel like a 50s movie star in it whenever I wear it (and get great comments). Voila! x
Oh I love that you feel like a movie star! I reckon there’s nothing better than ladies of our vintage feeling great in their clothes- it shows in how we move. That’s why I love what Nikki is doing so much- helping that movie star sensation come out more often (Movie star being some bombshell, and not Bridget Jones)…
Amanda you ARE skinny, you dag!
I still think I look about 24years old, and then I have this crazy shock moment when I realise it aint so…
Hilarious post Al – is equally mortifying for me as I am much much skinnier in my head than in real life so when I whizz into Tigerlilly and expect to look gorgeous I am devastated. Then can’t go back and have to look elsewhere. Awful!
Ahh this made me laugh, and I totally relate! I love the way you walked us through the experience and then at the end asked “What Happened in there?” It’s as if the aliens come and intervene. “Hey Earthling – This one!” and when you come blinking out into the fresh air you somehow feel like you’ve been swindled. I’m 55, and I’ve given up on wondering if I look good in a swimsuit – I don’t – so I go for Black with as much engineering to it as possible.
Haha, yes, “engineering”!
I think that Gruen Transfer thing happened… Luckily the girl working there was a sweetheart. Dealing with my preening….
Thanks Nikki!
And you’re right, those posters are the devil.
The biggest hurdle with swimsuit buying is ourselves. Once I realised that I was NEVER going to look like the people in the posters or TV ads, I just got on with buying something that made me feel ok for a splash in the water! Great post Al … and it’s resort week on Styling You next week so I’ll send you a link your way from the swimsuit post!
Mumsnet – too funny!!
Just trying to work out which response was yours haha
Haha, just be careful what cup you chose next time you’re here….
I love it Chrissy!!
I”m not sure how we can all get past the shopping thing if YOU are feeling blimpy.
And yes, go to the Hastings St store. The girl there is really nice. She did kind of hint (nicely) that one pair I tried (and quite frankly fancied myself a bit in) was a bit ‘flouncy’ for me (I think she meant I looked like Mutton dressed as flouro lamb)…
Ali, Usually I love your blogs whether happy or sad. Today’s you may think was a happy blog. It was not. I read it thinking ‘ha ha this was so my experience at Sea Folly on Saturday’. Until I got to the end. There was no ta-da moment in my experience. My assistant was a Sunday girl with poor taste and I went to the wholesale Sea Folly shop where only sh*t bikinis live.
So I decided to re-write your blog to give you my oh so sad version:
I am 36 years old (must stop saying 37). I have had no kids. I have exercised my way through most of my life including doing tough mudder last month with my last good bikini bottoms on under my lycra gear. Serious error of judgement. Due to my now grey bikini bottoms clashing with the luminous yellow bikini top I need a new bikini*.
As you know I exercise lots. In the last week alone I ran 5 times clocking up 50km all up. I went to military bootcamp 4 times and flipped tyres, did a trillion push-ups and other painful exercises. I am a size 10. I run half-marathons. I was prior to said shop visit quite happy with my athletic, size 10, Latino bottomed body.
I went to said shop on the good advice of my skinny-mini friend who had purchased 2 beautiful bikinis the previous day.
I can conclude I left empty handed and very deflated. As I told my husband when I got home, their reject bikinis and sh*t distorted carnival mirrors made me feel like the blimp. Because I love a challenge I am determined to go to Hastings St this weekend to rectify the situation (and so I can stop crying into my pillow). However I have to go via the hairdressers (head) because on same day of blimp moment I found a very long grey hair. I’m hoping my lovely hairdresser can tell me for the 10th time there aren’t anymore. I had to book the appointment to stop myself standing in front of the mirror holding a little mirror to the back of my head craning my neck to see if there are more hiding**
To top things off I rubbed chilli in my eye just now.
*In case you haven’t spotted it – it’s just a bikini to us Poms. Not togs, bathers or swimmers (you Aussies will get me to change in good time I’m sure).
** I did ask my husband however he said that I also need glasses as my whole head is covered in them. Cue the laughter…from him not me.
TO BE CONTINUED LOL….